The Very Secret Diary of Albus Dumbledore
by Fluffy The Teddy Bear Slayer
Summary: Have you ever heard of the Secret Diaries of Lord of the Rings characters by Cassandra Claire? Well, this is basically the same thing, only with Dumbledore. In essence: a diary in which we see the "real" Dumbledore...much fun to write.


Day One: Lemon Drops Unsticked: 509!  Go us!  Would have been 510, but Fawkes was getting peckish and we did not fancy idea of losing a finger to our pet phoenix.  Changed password for office today.  New password is 'Albus is the prettiest wizard in Hogwarts'.  Not sure if we'll be getting many visitors.  May have to change password later.  Still most powerful wizard in known society, but we have not yet accomplished goal of world domination.

Day Three:  Visited Fluffy today.  Almost lost extremely important organ to rabid dog, but we managed to calm it down by singing a rendition of Sound of Music.  Not sure if dog enjoyed it, but we had fun testing sound barrier.  There seems to be sock shortage in Hogwarts.  We cannot find single clean pair in closet.  Darn Elves.  Sock-stealers and Masochists, the lot of them.  In other news, a troll attacked fro-girl Hermione Granger today.  Poor troll.  He would have had indigestion from all those hair products she uses to look like a trailer park girl/ghetto queen.  Troll was saved by Harry Potter and indistinguishable backup Weasley.  Still most powerful.  Take that, Voldie!  But we are not supreme ruler of universe yet. L

Day Four:  We received new pair of hand-knitted socks from Hagrid.  Today is officially Sock Appreciation Day. J 

Day Six:  We were cleaning out shelves today when found a pretty cloak that used to be James Potter's.  Have now decided what to get Harry for Christmas.  Hopefully we'll receive socks.  Are beginning to hate all books.  Was visited by Nicky Flammel the 350-year-old sock model today.  He asked us how his precious was doing.  We assumed he meant ourself, so we said we were doing fine.  Didn't occur to us until later that he was talking about that stone thingy he had us hide in the beginning of term…  

Later…

We had the urge to watch Sister, Sister today, but realized at last minute that a telyvishon won't work at Hogwarts, so we had to content ourselves with playacting out the last episode we saw along with Sevvy, Minnie, Fawkes, and a roll of masking tape.  Was v. fun.  J

Day Twelve:  Is Christmas and we have received books.  Honestly, can't someone find more interesting, not to mention original present than "The Life Span of a Centaur Tick"?  Even if the story is told from the tick's viewpoint…how they got that, by the way, we don't want to know.  Miss good old Marauder days when received boxes of Swiss cheese from S. Black.  We like Swiss cheese.  Shame Black turned out to be psycho-killer dude.   The shredded voodoo dolls in the shapes of James and Lily were a bit of a hint, but we dismissed them as teenage hormones at the time…Oops.

Later…

We found Harry Potter standing in front of Mirror of Erised.  He did not notice us as he was commenting on how much prettier he was than his father.  Personally, we had to agree, but ask us again and we will deny it.  We are happy to know that Harry making good use of the cloak we gave him.  Were curious to see if he had received notes we sent with it, but did not ask as were laughing too hard when heard Harry commenting on his mother's backside.  Is known fact that Lily Potter had ghetto booty, but maybe he did not know.  J

Day Thirteen:  Lemon Drops Consumed: 25.  We ish v. happy!  We ish alsho v. hyper.  Took walk to burn hyper-ness, but found Potty and Indistinguishable backup Weasley staring at mirror.  Weasley was mumbling something about cowlick looking like carrot and Potty was trying to push the Weasel away to see more of his ugly dead relatives to raise self-esteem.  

Later…

The two couldn't agree, so argument turned into catfight complete with name-calling and scratching each other's eyes out.  Fight ended with us throwing shoe through window.  Potty and Weasel thought room was cursed.  Haven't laughed so hard since the tail-daters between C. Fudge and Mrs. Norris back when we were 1002 where Mrs. Norris told Fudge about how she killed Mr. Norris and Fudge exploded about caldron bottoms over the soup at dinner.  Who needs cable when we have such idiotic students and staff? J

Day Fifteen:  We were bored today, so we hosted a last-minute boogie-fever dance in staff room at midnight.  We conjured up balloons and Odgen's Old Fire-Whiskey to keep guests entertained, but our plans were foiled when no one decided to come.  Apparently they were all sleeping.  Their loss, though.  We played Spin the Bottle, Strip Poker, and Truth or Dare with ourselves and Fawkes.  Was v. fun, but a little unfair as Fawkes great poker player and does not wear clothes, anyway.  Also learned that Fawkes has thing for Draco Malfoy.  Party sort of stopped after that.  Well, technically party lasted from 12:00-5:00 a.m., when Minnie came in and popped all balloons.  We were v. upset, as had taken better part of 5 minutes to conjure balloons, so we turned Minnie into a termite.  Regret doing so now, as no one there to give us foot massage.  We asked Sevvy, but he said that he had a previous engagement to get his leg ripped off by Fluffy.  We thought he was being sarcastic, but Sevvy, being Sevvy, actually went to the dog and got his leg bitten.  It wasn't bitten _off_, but was v. stupid of Sevvy anyway.  On the way back from party, we found Harry Potter standing in front of Mirror again.  We were rather amused, but Harry noticed us and we had to make up something on the spot about the mirror being moved so the stupid kid wouldn't insult his dead parents again.  Then he asked us what we wished for when we looked into the Mirror of Erised, and we said the first thing that came to our mind: socks.  Ah well, we think he bought it anyway…

Later…

We are sulking now, as rest of staff took away our wand and stash of lemon drops and won't give them back until we tell them what we did with Minnie.  Ha!  As if…well, we do miss our lemon drops…

Day Sixteen:  We are suffering withdrawal…we…need…our…lemon…drops…Maybe we should tell staff what we did with Minnie…NO!  Albus, we must be STRONG!  You're right, Albus…we must be strong…aw, strength can go suck hairy shitzu butt…WE NEED LEMON DROPS!

Day Eighteen:  We are in sulking as, after we turned Minnie back to her usual form, the rest of staff grounded us from our wand for two weeks.  Ah well, at least they gave us back our lemon drops…mmmm…lemon drops consumed: 281 and counting…ahh, sour lemony goodness…

Day Thirty-Eight:  Forgive us for not writing sooner, but we just recently got off the roof…allow us to illustrate:  Minnie, probably upset with being turned into a termite, decided to hang us from the rafters of the Gryffindor Tower in our purple dressing gown.  We seem to vomit whenever we are at severe heights, so let us suffice to say that purple dressing gown not purple any more.  We briefly considered turning Minnie back into termite, but decided against it, as last time we did, the crazy old bat taught the termites to transfigure.  We had to evacuate the castle for a few weeks while the little buggers were transfiguring it from a school to a Chuck-E-Cheese.  We wanted to go inside and play with the Barbies, but Prof. Trelawny saw us sneaking into castle-turned-Chuck's house at last minute and restrained us for rest of week using ropes made out of liquorish wands.  It only just occurred to us that we may have eaten our way out of captivity, but idea will not help us NOW.  Where was idea when we were singing "99 bottles of Butterbeer on the wall" for the 20th time? 

Day Forty:  We are in sulking again.  Last Monday we received v. important letter from Ministry of Magic, telling us that all robes in Madam Malkin's store at Diagon Alley were 75% off.  We were still looking for a new purple dressing gown at the time, so we flew out asap to catch great savings.  When we got to Madam Malkin's, store was closed and no such sale was happening so, smelling dishonest little Ministry Workers, we flew over to the Ministry to give those bloody gits a piece of our mind.  When we got to Ministry, C. Fudge told us that he hadn't sent us any letter, so, already sulking, we went back to Hogwarts.  On the way back, we intercepted an owl carrying a postcard.  Being ourself, we caught the owl and began reading the postcard.  Imagine our surprise when we realized that the card was addressed to us!  It turned out that Fro-girl, Weasel, and Potty all went into the chamber thingy when we were gone.  Seemed mighty suspicious to us, so we rushed back to school and chamber just in time to see Prof. Quirell getting burned by Potty.  Then Potty fainted.  It turns out that Potty stole Nicky's stone-thingy to resurrect dead parents and laugh at them in person.  Then Prof. Quirell showed up from date with Voldie and, seeing Potty cackling insanely, the bloody git ran up and hit him with the mirror of Erised.  Potty pulled out a lighter and…well…now Quirell has a couple of third-degree burns in questionable places. But, not wanting to make student look bad, we made up rumor about Quirell sharing body with Voldie and being burned because of Harry's loving mother.  Why is it that everything happens when we are away?  Is not fair.  No longer strongest wizard in world, according to rumors that Voldie is back, so we are sulking.  


End file.
